My Thoughts on Barack Obama

Since we all know I am not a political pundit and politics are for stuffy losers with scary deviant agendas, I'll cut the shit and get to the point. If you want to know my opinions on Barack Obama, I'll tell you straight up - I'm his number one fan. And by number one fan I mean that in 2008 I invested 5 dollars in a "hope" shirt in spirit of the season. I'll have you know that this is now my ultimate favorite shirt to wear to bed when I'm shitfaced and there is a large chance I am going to vomit on myself.

Now let me give you an organized list of why we all should help re-elect him in 2012.

He's a babe. You can't try to tell me Barack is not a fine-ass piece of hot milk chocolate. Barry, if you're reading this, let me be the cream filling to your Oreo cookie.

He's like the cool dad I never had.  I'm not trying to say that I don't have a real father. He just isn't cool. Bear (as he would let me call him because he is a cool dad) is someone that is a double whammy because not only is he casual and not embarrassing, but all my friends would think he is hot (see above.) Bear is like that cool dad that knows that your 13-year-old self and your three friends stole that one single wine cooler out of the fridge and are taking turns sipping it in your bedroom, but doesn't say anything because he is hip and "with it." His way of confronting the situation is leaving a case of Mike's Hard Lemonade under your pillow and sending you a smiley face text.

He doesn't embarrass me in front of my foreign friends. Nothing is worse than annoying foreigners quoting your embarrassing president and pointing out his obvious lack of knowledge about anything besides college sports and the best tasting light beers. Barack has brought an end to these taunts.

The list could go on, and on, and on, but by now I'm sure I've adequately convinced you of Barry's ability to lead the nation. Fox News, I'll be looking out for an email invitation to provide political commentary on any of your numerous segments, because as you can see, even this horse shit I wrote is more coherent than the crap your hosts spew out.